How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

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"Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life:

   1. Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
   2. Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
   3. Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
   4. Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
   5. Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.

When deeply understood and applied, these five simple concepts—what Richo calls the five A's—form the basis of mature love. They help us to move away from judgment, fear, and blame to a position of openness, compassion, and realism about life and relationships. By giving and receiving these five A's, relationships become deeper and more meaningful, and they become a ground for personal transformation.

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Customer Reviews

Absolutely Insightful!!!

Review Date: December 1, 2003

Reviewer: S. L. Hale, Midwest

I originally sought books to help me get over a man in my life that is still IN my life, but not committed to me. We are the classic "friends with benefits" only he's benefiting more than I am...much more. This book has reinforced in a HUGE way what I already knew but chose to ignore. It teaches us how change IS scary...even if it's healthy change. It's scary because it's what we become to know and feel comfortable with after awhile. It reaches deep into the psyche and shows why we stay in relationships that aren't so healthy. It connects us to our childhood, but not in a crutching sort of manner like some readings which "blame" our current choices all on childhood incidences, but rather shows us why we possibly make some of the decisions that we do.

You won't be disappointed in this book. I had to force myself to put it down and sleep. I read it in two days. I underlined SO many sections that applied to me. This book is a lifetime keeper!!! Get one for you or someone close to you if you feel they need to make some changes in the way they choose relationships in their lives. You (or them) will be happy you did!!!

One warning...It's very truthful. Sometimes when you hear something you dont like, it can have a profound effect. I cried reading this book several times because it talked about my life...my thought processes and my feelings when choosing and staying with a partner.

Not for the average reader

Review Date: April 28, 2005

Reviewer: J. Marui, Belgrade, SCG

I bought two books by this author: How to be an adult, and How to be an adult in relationships. Both are excellent.
Even though their titles begin with How to... these are not self-help books.
In this book, the author discusses what love is: giving attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing - the five A's as he calls it. The language used is beautiful, the way the author thinks is inspiring, and you can just feel that he himself is a loving person. No ego-based, "let me tell you how amazing I am" paragraphs here.
The book is valuable as a piece of literature, as a philosophical and psychological work. I reread and contemplated many pages.
The bottom line is this: if you are looking for a quick-fix, feel good book - skip this one. If you are prepared to do the work, if you are not afraid of realization that learning how to love is a life-long process, and are not scared of (as another reviewer put it) big words, this is the book that is worth reading - again and again.

A gentle "in your face" kind of truth...

Review Date: July 18, 2004

Reviewer: deirdre_of_the_sorrows, USA, PA

I bought this book in the midst of confusion as to wether I was going to get married or break off a relationship with a particular person. I am a psychologist and a lover, and an avid reader of self-help and vampire books

A long time ago a friend of mine said to me "BE TRUE TO YOURSELF". Mr. Richo does just that. Feelings of validity and recognition of personal pain flow from this book as you read it and it becomes part of you. This book helped me to make so many decisions and also helped me to gain a lot more self-esteem by making me realize what was happening right in front of my eyes.

I tabbed, underlined, highlighted and starred so many pages, I had friends read shapters to help them with their relationships, and it is amazing the kind of feedback this book gets. Do yourself a favor and check this one out. Pick the parts that you need to read first, and you will gain all that you know withought ever having to read through an introduction or a foward first. The table of contents is thorough and all of your issues are right in front of you. An amazing tool, a great gift, a life-long partner, a second bible.

Unbelievably insightful, powerful, helpful

Review Date: September 15, 2006

Reviewer: Nick Nikolaiovich, Oregon

This book moved me enough to actually write this review, not something I would normally do.

I picked this book up in the middle of the night after waking from an anxiety attack about what was happening in my very new "relationship" with a woman whom I had fallen head over heals for, at age 59, and who had just told me she needed space and I needed to deal with some of my issues before we could continue. This book was sitting in her kitchen -- her therapist had recommended she read it -- and I started reading random chapters hoping it would put me back to sleep. Hours later, I realized I had to buy this book because it resonated so clearly and deeply with me.

I have read John Kabat-Zinn's books about mindfulness, and have made periodic, albeit less than whole-hearted attempts at meditating and other forms of mindfulness, but this book put it in a context which had immediacy and urgency to me. It literally helped snap me out of the "ether". Part of its appeal/resonance is its broad inclusions of different forms of pyschological practices mixed with spiritual insights and a lot of sound personal observation of us mortal human beings.

After numerous years of therapy and self-help/self-therapy, this book made me take ACTION to genuinely change, and it has helped me see how/where I need to change, and given me the assurance and comfort to believe that we can indeed change ourselves (though people under 30 might not be able to appreciate this as much until they've had more life experiences to be able to discern the patterns of their life). I have mentioned this book to everyone I know who might be interested, including a few former therapists/counselors. I'm sure I'll be keeping this book close by for a long time.

Gentle, Wise and Intelligent

Review Date: May 10, 2004

Reviewer: ,

I bought this book in the midst of a breakup I didn't understand, and which saddened me beyond belief. In fact I bought several "relationship" books trying to figure out what was happening; however, this one enriched me the most. My boyfriend ignored all of my requests for a "talk" about what was going on after he decided to end it, despite his claim that it was the best relationship he had. At first I blamed his fears about committment and unwillingness to work through conflict and build a life with a partner, something I thought we both wanted. Reading this book, I came to realize that his desire to end the relationship runs much deeper than "we have to break up because I'm moving," and that his actions are most likely rooted deep in his subconcious, which is telling him that he is unworthy of love. This book also helped me crystalize my own set of motives that I brought to the relationship and helped me see what I did and didn't do based on my own set of values and "issues." There are excercises to help you weed out your patterns in terms of relating to people.

It's written with an incredible amount of insight about the nature of relationships, the partners we pick, the psychological material we bring, and the inevitiable vagaries of what happens when two people are in love. I especially liked that the authors don't "dumb" down the discussion, like so many other books, which address you like you're an eight grader.

I've come to realize that the relationship that's currently dissovling is probably over, as I can't cajole or convince my partner of anything. This book helped me see that we're at two different places in our capacity to give and receive love--and it's FINE for it to be that way. In this way, I've found the peace in my heart to let him go with love, acceptance, and compassion so that he can continue on his own heroic journey that he's mapped out for himself--even if he's chosen to do it alone. In short, this book gave me some of the understanding and relief that I was seeking and helped me accept that the relationship will end without anything being resolved--hard to accept but necessary to move on. Highly recommended--for both gay and straghts--and I know my next relationship will be better because of my having read this book.

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